Train ride

Today I was asked 5 times whether I was married. I gave all type of answers: yes; no; I’m divorced; I separated.

The last person was a man I met in my train cabin from Baku, in Azerbaijan, to Tbilisi in Georgia. 

My friend Malahat came with me to the train station. We had a glass of wine and then ran to the platform; hugged saying don’t be sad, don’t be sad one million times.  I jumped to the train almost falling with my blue massive suitcase that I mistakenly brought to this trip. She had told me no one would share the cabin with me in the train, cause it was first class -which meant it had just two seats/beds -and most often people travel in pairs.

But she was wrong. 

When I entered the tiny space -probably 2 square meters- a man with a uniform was there. Bold head, black mustache, little English. It happened to be a military man working at the border. Married to a woman who stays at home, and father of two kids, both studying economics. 

I felt a bit uncomfortable that I had to be in such a tiny place with this unknown guy dressed in a green uniform, but decided to give it a chance and not face the situation full of prejudices. So I smiled and was gentle.

The woman working to assist passengers came to our cabin at least 10 times in the first hour of train ride. Blond and rather old, with a scar in her face, she made a big effort to please him. Brought him tea and jam and sweets. Made his bed. Moved her eyelashes. I was sitting there, 50 cm away, hearing and watching the situation as if it was a movie. 

Suddenly he decided to talk to me. What’s your name, what do you do, what’s the name of your university, etc. And, of course, are you married.

I said yes. Thought lying was safer. 

He said your husband is really lucky, you are very beautiful. I said "thanks, but don´t",  and started worrying a little bit. Showed him a picture of Keven holding a baby from the day we went to Qom, and told him he was my husband, that we had been traveling in Iran and that we would meet in Germany after my visit to Georgia. 

He didn’t seem too pleased.

He said he wanted to sleep, so I wrote down something in my diary and turned off the light. 

And then, in the dark, he said "Paulette, would you like to sleep with me?".

I thought I hadn’t understood, it could not be this shameless.

- If you want to sleep here with me-  he repeated, and touched his body.

- What, No! Of course not! 

- Ok, I’m sorry - he said.

And do you know what I answered? " It’s fine", I said. That’s is what I answered: It’s fine!

But no, it’s not fine at all; because I have to spend 14 hours with this man next to me, with a closed door, with the woman in charge of the train trying to please him; its not fine cause he is a militar with a weapon, cause there is no wifi, cause I have no one to tell. 

It’s not fine cause now I’m terrified to sleep. Cause I don’t know if he will masturbate or if he will come touch me in the middle of the night. So I can’t sleep although I’m exhausted. And my heart jumps every time he moves.

And I wish I would know what to do, or how to defend myself. And I wish I wouldn’t need to hide under this blanket that is killing me of warmth. And I wish I were married to be with my husband here and feel safe and know that no man will come to bother me at night in any cabin, in any train, in any country. And as that won´t happen,  I wish I could travel alone feeling safe. I wish I were not a woman.